Tea, Coffee & Mom

I do not remember when I first tasted tea but I do remember my mom trying her level best to wean me away from it. The old trick – dude you would look like what is in the cup didn’t work for me. I didn’t have affinity to milk at all. My mom had ample supply of it from the Jersey cows which she reared but alas! I was no taker for their milk. I would run away, hide, fake being unwell etc. from that glass of milk. But what I remember most was the involuntary tumbling of the milk glass followed by sever scolding and the compulsory spanking. It almost happened daily and I have a strong belief that it was the milk fiend; he didn’t like my attitude towards milk and to teach me a lesson would tumble the tumbler. I had absolutely no hand in it and before I would react or offer explanation my mom’s wrath and fury would have taken over.

Then she gave up. And I was fed nectar of tea leaves, sweetened just right with a hint of milk. I didn’t mind her warning that I would grow weak and small which unfortunately turned true. I have to confess that I have tried quite a variants (white/green/oolong/tisane) but  I come back to the good old intensely sweetened overcooked tea leaves sometimes flavored with ginger/cardamon/cloves/cinnamon etc. I never cared for health benefits of tea and still don’t, I just love if for the thing it do to me.

Somewhere along I discovered coffee. I for a while liked it better then tea and started demanding it. Mom was happy initially as it had milk but she happen to read/hear that it is not good for health – she confused caffeine with nicotine and its supply was limited thereafter. But my love for coffee brewed more through the college days. Today, I swing between the regular cappuccinos, espresso and the exotic ones which I can’t even pronounce.

I have always found it difficult to choose when given a choice. Coffee or Tea and I always end up making a wrong choice and then cringe all along looking at the other person’s drink and sipping regretful what I choose. I am not definitely absolutely a coffee or tea lover – my loyalty sway.

I only have ONE rule – Coffee on dates and Tea at home .

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No Sweat

Another beautiful Sunday spoiled. It’s in the real sense of HOT, please don’t misconstrue HOT for zany, snazzy, lively, sexy and whatever adjective one might use to describe an extraordinary time. The mercury is touching 44 C and inching upwards each day.

I started my day early at 7 hoping to catch some cold breeze while I read newspaper and breakfast. I was in sweat from the heat then the spicy breakfast my grumbling mom made for me; her mood seems to be in sync with the weather these days. And by 8, I wanted to run away somewhere cold and never look back. My old air con seems to be inept in countering the heat (I do not blame him) and my finances don’t even allow me to but a new handkerchief – excuse me, let me wipe off the sweat. The coolers are no longer coolants and the heat is getting into my head – I am loosing my cool.

Wonder why nobody is using the phrase No Sweat anymore.

(The HOT picture has been borrowed from the internet. © who cares)

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Go fly a kite!

Ouch! It’s a rushed one. Yes, I plan to do away with it in flat 5 min and dash off. I still have 4 more. I am very sure what I want to write about; it about me – the landlubber. My brother say that I have a magnet in me that keeps me grounded – I have never flown. Though I have tried the old trick of jumping off the walls and roofs but have met with the fate millions have met. We humans can’t fly that the reason why we pay thousands for airfare. I have another 3 min. I am little pissed and I feel its okay to use the word ‘pissed’ to describe one frustration with the elitism and the attitude of the high fliers. Attitude! where did they learn to talk like that. The unexpected nemesis ‘Ash Cloud’ has grounded many like me. Ha ha… now who is laughing. I am done. Oh! I still have 20 sec left. Before I fly… cheerio!

(The stupid picture has been filched from internet. What were you thinking AS****#)

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Wild Food

There is something strange and unique about the place where I come from (Kotgarh, Shimla). First, the folks are humble and blissfully happy in their small world. Second – they drink a lot of ‘sharab’. Third – the folks treat every cut and bruise with mustard oil. Forth – when they give up after being to the best of doctors in the country they turn to ‘kul devta’, who miraculously happen to fix 99% of their problems. Fifth – we guys eat weird wild delight; blissfully ignorant that some of the stuff we get for free is coveted in gastronomic world and people pay through their nose to eat it. And we love our wild food and celebrate it.

Let me expand on the last one today -
Mother Nature has offered us abundant supplies of Morels, Fiddleheads, Chanterelle and Nettle. Let’s understand them better and enjoy them.

Morels: These distinctive honeycomb-like mushrooms are found in the wild and in abundance but difficult to locate as they blend in well with the nature. Ask any morel hunter and they would concur that the morels are found in the same spot for years and then disappear without a trace and also that they tend to appear in spring in an area of the forest that has been burned. The morel is widely appreciated by gourmets, who savor its earthy and nutty flavor. Morels are always hollow, and this is one of the differences between the morels and the false morels. They complement other fresh spring vegetables and have an earthy taste to them when cooked with herbs and butter.

Fiddlehead ferns: Unfurled fronds of a young fern found in the moist place near a stream. Fiddlehead ferns are a good source of vitamins A and C and should not be served raw as they have a slight bitterness until cooked and may cause stomach upset if eaten raw in quantity. Sauté, stir-fry or steam briefly to retain their crunchy texture and bright green color.

Chanterelle (Mushroom): Another wild delight and the efforts to cultivate Chanterelles have never proved successful.
The chanterelle is considered to be one of the best wild mushrooms in the world. Mostly they are orange or yellow, meaty and funnel-shaped.

 

Stinging Nettles:  Nettles are covered with tiny, nearly invisible stinging hairs that produce an intense, stinging pain, followed redness and skin irritation – ask someone who has had an accidental brush with it. The sweet discomfort it put one through is remembered all the living moments. But the best way to tame it is to use it as a medicine and food. Nettles usually appear in the same places year after year. Look for them in rich soil, disturbed habitats, moist woodlands, thickets, along rivers, and along partially shaded trails. You can replace the green in your food with it and get out your favorite soup with nettle. Nettles contain the highest plant source of iron and it is an excellent source of vitamins, minerals and protein. It is literally a “super-food” and FREE!

Bonum appetitionem! latin for Bon appetit!

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It’s Not Funny BOSS

It has been a while since I wrote something and then I read someone lament about the slow death that his blog was going through; it woke me up from my stupor and complacency (no writer’s block, pure ennui). Let’s see if I can string some pearls of humorous tid bits today (though I am not too hopeful).

There is nothing normal about my life these days. Its topsy-turvy and I can’t figure why. I have never been so busy yet so free in my head. I run to office and then I run back and the next day I run back and in between I eat and sleep and yes sometime at work I do take a breather and the cycle continues. I am stuck and I can’t run too fast and far.

I am unable to unlock the secret of this mysterious situation. I thought food would assuage it, tried binging – no luck (I feel a bit fat). Tried finding solace in sports and soaps – failed, them I have also tried watching almost all the Oscar winning movies to keep with the latest in the movie business and get the zing but still feel parched (and depressed). Ahh… the search is still on. Being a teetotaler is difficult.

What is it that could help me?  The answer my friend is a clever joke.

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

‘In English’, he said, ‘A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.’

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, ‘I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.’ The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, ‘Not a problem, leave it all to me.’

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, ‘Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!’

3) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, ‘Why are you trying to cross here when there’s a zebra crossing only 20 meters away?’

‘Well,’ replied the jay walker, ‘I hope it’s having better luck than me.

4) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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Please Interview Me

Everybody fears interviews. Ask anyone that they would be interviewed and you could see tiny beads of sweat appear gently on their forehead in the freezing cold winter making it glisten more brightly than the morning sun. And if it happens to be a job interview some even have to remove their pullover (it’s getting hot in hear).
But being on the other side of the table is equally difficult.

A tid bit from one of the interview.

Who is your favourite author?
-I do not read books.

Would you like to see Rahul Gandhi as your next PM.
-No comments.

Your favourite movie star.
-I have none.

Talk about your city.
-I was not born here.

Why you here?
-For the interview.

Why you interested in this job?
-I am not interested, I just want to experience an interview.

What would you do with the experience?
-Use it in the next interview.

Thankyou for interviewing me.

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Happy V’Day – Love Birds

A zoo is a place for animals. That’s what I always thought until my visit to a small zoo (name omitted for obvious reasons). I had to kill time and was excite at the prospect of visiting a zoo in 20 years; last I visited a zoo was when I was 10.

I asked the hotel to pack sandwiches (did I mention they charged me a bomb) and off I went. After haggling a bit with the auto driver for the fare (it always helps), I set out. It was a bright sunny day; perfect for a zoo visit. I was dropped just beside the gate which proudly announced the ZOO. I stepped in and was greeted by concrete monkeys jeering at me; I learn later why they were jeering. I ignored them and bought my ticket and declared the stuff I had in the bag and deposited the plastic bags with them.

The beautiful flamingos greeted me as I steeped in, then the goose and then the pheasant and many more caged birds. Did I mention a languor even tried to rough me when he felt I had something in my pocket and was saving it for some other animal – that made me cautious and I dared not take my hands out post that incident.

The Zoo announced to have 55 odd animals (not too big a zoo, I thought) and during my 3 hrs stay there, I spotted at least 65 odd canoodling couples. Most looked hungry and starved; I bumped into them on every turn and every good shady spot. They would stop whatever they were doing when I would approach and start again when I passed them. I wanted one to click me in the zoo and I offered my camera, the bloke was taken aback and asked do I want to click them (duffer the camera is in your hand). I politely said ‘no, please click me’ (he did a really bad job with the pic).

I didn’t know the zoo attracted so many love birds. Maybe the place gave them a perfect place to meet, amid grunts of rhino, growl of the lion, chirping of the birds and the shades of the trees. They not only distracted me but the animals too; I could see two monkey expressing their disgust. Plus some kept the zoo keeper busy to remind them to behave.

I felt I should leave the love birds and the animals alone. I found a quite spot under the shady tree, had my sandwich and napped. After my fill of sleep I walked out a disappointed man and again I was met up by the concrete monkeys. Now I know why they were jeering.

Happy V’Day.

P.S: Zoo is not too bad a place to spend time with ones beloved though. 

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Why So Serious?

I not only watch my step these days, I have even started watching my smile. I no longer give liberty to my facial muscles albeit I might be misunderstood. I feel obliged to educated my friends and readers on usage of smile to avoid embarrassment and ignominy though in the process they might have to forgo some royal attention from the media monkeys.

Mr Rathore had been in news more for his ‘smirk’ than his wrongdoing which undid him; I nearly split my guts. The ‘smirk’ was read and interpreted as an affected expression of a powerful Mr Rathore for which he was almost lynched by media. Mr Rathore might have misread the situation and wanted to display fortitude which he recently cleared that he learned it from one of our late prime minister in the process inviting more wrath and fury for being a loudmouth (or was he trying to say that he would have the last laugh). Mr Rathore better wipe his smile smirk and zip his lips.

Lesson 1 – Practice your smile.

Mr Rathore should have practiced his smile. He should have had a ‘grimace’ than a ‘smirk’ expressing his anxiety and troubled state of mind but it seems his misfitted denture might have stretched the muscles a little too far giving out his actual expression – the smirk.

Lesson 2 – Learn the meaning and the usage of different smile types.

grin – to draw back the lips and reveal the teeth; the media is having a field day over Mr Rathore’s retort and the media bosses are grinning.

beam – smile radiantly; the journalists beamed when they captured the news bite from Mr Rathore.

smirk – smile affectedly or derisively; Mr Rathore smirked and rest is history.

sneer – smile contemptuously; no example

grimace – contort the face to indicate a certain mental or emotional state; Mr Rathore didn’t grimaced when he came out of the court.

Lesson 3 – One should know history of smile.

Many biologists think the smile started as a sign of fear. Primalogist traces the smile back over 30 million years of evolution to the “fear grin”. Monkeys and apes used barely clenched teeth to portray to predators that they were harmless. Biologists believe the smile has evolved differently among species and especially among humans.

What say you? And by the way has any one heard of the “Pan American smile”.

Keep smiling.

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Call US Snobs

I feel there is no harm in getting a swelled head as long as one is able to fit his favourite cap. Suit(e) yourself.

I started my blog after an exciting pissing game with one of the bloggers, who proudly announced that he works from home and denounced working for the government as he felt the higher ups in the government jobs are snobs and behave like lords. The fella couldn’t take it and moved on to greener pastures (joined an IT company). Hats off.

He asked for an opinion on his post which I couldn’t resist holding back. Rest is history – it left him a bit famous and a lot conceited (swelled headed) and I walked away as a blogger wishing him luck.

They say people’s head swell when they taste a bit of success. To test this unfound theory, I observed people closely over the last couple of months and found that most associated success with material gains (no brainer) and the shift in attitude is subtle but noticeable. The mannerism, the walk, the talk change and so does the cronies.

If this is what success does to an individual then I am game for it. I hate the way I walk and talk (honestly it’s not too bad though) and over it I have been conditioned to be humble and grounded. And till today, I am almost grounded (with my feet firmly planted). But it doesn’t help much.

Sometime back, I had a T shirt which said – ‘Call us snobs but the only card we accept is our own’. A friend picked it up for me from his favourite watering hole in Bangalore at dirt cheap price. I loved what it said and it kind of gave a voice and direction to me (till then I was clueless and after possessing it I became a snob).

It had quite a profound effect on me and unconsciously my mannerism changed when I had it on. I wore it almost everywhere and looked down on the insignificant mortals and when it lost it’s sheen and the lettering faded a bit (thanks to the efforts of my maid), I switched to wearing it as an undershirt and with it I lost my snob value.

If the word ‘SNOB’ could have such an effect then why blame ‘SUCCESS’?.
Each morning I observe my head carefully in the mirror, just in case.

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The Idiot

I watched 3 idiots the other day and walked out a very upset man (they seem to have stolen my jokes and gags) and not to mention poor Chetan’s credit. Even I want my claim of credit and I don’t mind even if it is placed before The END.

I was very like the 3 idiots and did much more then what they 3 did put together but I am still at the mercy of few good men for elevation in the hierarchy. They are perched on top of this virtual tree and all I see from where I am is you know well and even I aspire to join them (where is myself respect?).

I changed colleges, switched professions and hopped jobs and girlfriends on the call of my inner voice (which seem to have misled me). I chant allz well every time my mom taunts me when she sees my good boss giving me grief – ‘beta kaha tha na!’. I have become a little wise with time; today a colleague who was visibly upset talked back and I let it pass without screwing his happiness (which is exceptional). He returned after a while and apologised regretting or fearing (that his smile might be wiped off). Jahanpana tussi great ho… It doesn’t matter anymore… does it?

It’s freezing cold outside and I forgot the combination to open my new strolly. I was too excited to get it as a gift and in that same excitement neatly secured my best and heavy winter clothes with the key combination: 0,0,0 or was it 0,1,0 or 9,9,9. I have tried almost all the combinations: my school roll number, my school crush’s roll number, my house number, her house number, my ex’s house number etc but failed to undo the lock.

These days, strolly and I have started to exchange dialogues.
Excerpt from one of the few polite conversations.

Strolly: ‘Hi!’
Me: ‘Hello!’
Strolly: ‘So, did you get the combination?’
Me: ‘No. I can’t figure’, with a sigh!.
Strolly: ‘Do you know, you are an idiot‘,
Me: ‘Am I. Thanks’.

So much for the difficult cold times.

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